What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

What are sales promotions?

Im still living with it.

When she asked me how she looked .

All the time i was locked up.

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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

My life is so biszare .

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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I was scared of men, in general

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

She married twice! .

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

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Ive learnt so much.

One cannot live in the past .

We all went to grammer schools

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This is soul school!.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

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Who then, do I blame.?

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Put me off passion for life!!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My mum and dad in the seventies!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

We were not on the streets..

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I think the readers, may guess!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Where the ultimate outsiders.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

My family never makes their pension either.

Especially a lifetime of it.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

What did i know ?

So whats the point in blame.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I could never make a relationship work though!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I waited trembling.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She found it foreign!.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Would this be the day?

Why did i forgive my father ?

I was seconnd youngest,

He knew the spot.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I have no regrets .

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I was very sick at this time too.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I don,t even have a pension.

Was to survive, this bastard.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

She was in good health!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

And i lived it daily.

She loved him until the end.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I write beautiful poetry .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

But it wasn’t much.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

She wouldn,t have been !

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

As i do to all so called friends.?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

It was going to be , some day.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

But, we were locked up after school.

I said to her

He resisted the act ,that day.

I never cut or harmed myself..

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Comes on , in middle age.

I will be 64.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I was 9 years of age.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I know ,a lot about trauma.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

So, i spoilt her more .